That's how much time stands between me and the door to college. My roommate's already there. We've been talking by e-mail. She seems pleasant enough. It's now down to crunch time. Got the TV and the microwave. Now, just need to get a few nic-nacks and I'm off.

Yeah, high school is definitely over.

So where did July go? It's crazy how close college is. It's going to be so hard. Most of my friends seem to be busy, which leaves me time for my...knitting? No, definitely the TV, which hopefully I'll have in my dorm room. I'm actually busy this month, too with the time remaining. I going to be camp counselor (actually nurse's assistant) with my church. Then there's the state fair. Oh yeah! Seriously looking forward to that Turkey Leg and Funnel Cake. And I still have to buy stuff and supplies for college. I'm not even all to0 sure what to bring...past the essentials, that is. Whatever, it will all take care of itsself.

Made contact with the dorm mate. She's from China...which should make all of it so interesting. Actually, I'm hoping this will be fun. I might even learn a bit of Chinese.
I know this is weird, but suddenly I'm losing interest w/ some of my friends. Lately, it's been hard to come up with anything to talk about w/ some of them...and what conversation there is, it's mostly rambling. I guess that's a part of growing up. One day you have something to talk about and the next, you hit a dry spell.

I've been readind these books by John Elridge and his wife Stasi. They're very insightful about what is the true soul of man and woman. It's so cool to read the guy one because it's like getting a sneak peak of what I never knew. (Yeah, this is the trouble with not having many/any guy friends).

I've practically given up on the AP scores ever coming. It's just not worth it anymore.

Final Thoughts on Luke: It's not bothering me at all that I haven't spoken to him in over two months. Although I would love to have a conversation with Luke and see where he is in his life and just tell him where I am in mine, I know it'll all take care of itself. Whatever feelings I have for Luke now are purely brotherly. People get so caught up with meeting people then having to say goodbye to them. See, I have a different mentality on that issue. I'd like to think it's a small world and people aren't as distant as we imagine. I also believe that God will bring you back to people if it's necessary. Then there's my favorite saying I have: If I don't see you in this lifetime, I'll see you in the next. I haven't used it yet, but it's something I play in my mind to myself. Unfortunately, I can't say that to everyone because it might not be true but, it's witty and I like it. It offers a sense of hope--hoping to see you the next time and around and planning on making the most of it. And, I guess, that's how I really feel, about Luke, and everything else.

Breathe festival was awesome. I probably should have posted immediately when I came back home, but wow. It was a thing I needed. I found the answers to questions I didn't know I even had! Basically, it was a retreat with my church, associated with the young adult division--Joshua House. I roughed it for 3 1/2 days out in scorching sun. No air conditioning at all! But, I came back with a great tan...Anyway, I just got really filled with the Holy Spirit. I really got to know God. The reason why I went was to get spiritually ready for college and think I'm pretty close--at least closer than I was ever before. I've changed. Things don't seem the way they did before. My perspective of things is very different. I'm not the same person who graduated a month ago. My mind process are different, too. Now, it's just getting them to stay that way. And renewing myself daily.
I met a lot of people, which is amazing since I went knowing no one at all. That was great, too, just how I was led to people. The first person I met was someone who graduated from Miami. She told me a lot of things. Then, through her, I met another person who introduced me to another load of people. Long story short, I met a small group. That was interesting. I went to that last week. It was so far away, too. And when I get there, they announce the dissolution of the group--or rather the separating of it into a guy and girl group. Going there was like seeing the finale episode of "Friends" without ever having bothered to watch an episode beforehand. So emotional. But, it was worth it.
So many things are happening and changing. I realize that amongst the change, I need to be strong in my convictions. That way, despite what's going on, I'll always have some sort of stability.
Found out who I'm rooming with and where. It's pretty far from the main places on campus, but I know I'll love the walking.

So, it's been awhile since I've written. Much drama has been going on, thankfully none of my own.

I spent a lot of time with Danielle. Oi ve. I love Dani so much but sometimes I...well, whatever. Let's just say I'm grateful that I'm an only child and that I know what to do with myself. There are times when I just need to be away from it all. We did a lot of catching up. Yeah, there's a lot of pressure on Dani, with her going to the local community college for some summer courses to her family making her go to church with them...and she's 19. It's so weird. Her family life is such a major source of drama that sometimes I can't stay too long around them, less the chaos transferes to me. And what's somewhat sad is that they think it's normal. Honestly there's no balance. I also don't like staying there too much because her parents' view of me is perverted--very different from who I truly am. That's a bit frustrating when they consider me family. I mean, I definitely close with Danielle, and her little brother feels as close as my little brother as it'll ever get, but I definitely don't consider her mom fully my mom and her dad my dad. But on a lighter note...
We went to go see Pirates of the Caribbean II. Such a bridge movie from the 1st to the 3rd but still worth seeing.

Spoken a lot with Laura. Been running with her lately. The late night runs for smoothies and the talk that accompanied them has been very awesome. I love Laura so much, but recently she's been calling a lot...Thankfully, it hasn't been an annoyance b/c frankly, Laura's quarkiness is so amusing. It's what makes Laura, Laura. I'm going to miss her so much when I go away for college. She's also going away.

Finally spoke with Chelsea after literally a month and more. That's how it is with Chels, b/c she's so busy. She has a lot of things going on in her life. No nothing dramatic or lifethreatening, more so like family and job and college. But, we're all going through that. In fact, all three of the people I just listed are having drama with family, the job and getting ready for college. They all just react differently. I just happen to be on the receiving end of the phone. What's interesting between the conversation of my friends is that they talk more about their lives to me then I about mine to them. And when the balance is shifted, it feels wrong...like, I just start rambling on about random things just because I feel the need to talk. Honestly, I should just hang up before I say anything stupid. But, it feels better that way, them spilling their guts out, me being the secretive loner who listens, chips in her opinions and advice but keeps her business to few words. But, this is all normal. Half of it is I'm somewhat of a loner. Don't get me wrong--I like people and hanging out with friends but sometimes I just need to get away and be left to be, to be alone and think, to get away from all that mindless drama crap people have in their lives, not knowing that half of it they cause.

Sent thankyou notes to everyone. Worked in a few letters to my friends. I like writting. Letters. They're so much more fulfilling than IM, and if you're in the right mood, it even outranks the phone.

No word on the AP scores, or news on my roommate.

Oh! I'm going on a retreat with my church this Thursday. I won't be back until next Sunday. It's targeted mainly towards college aged students and young adults. It's called "Breathe" and it's going to be great. And I should mention it's "roughing it" atmosphere. Yes, I will be camping. For the first time. Alone. This will be great. I'm taking all my food and there will be showers there but I can't get over how I have a tent all to myself. Taking joy in that proves one thing: I'm a proud lover of solitude. After all the essentials, I'm taking two books, possibly the Ipod, definitely my knitting and most likely my diary. I think it would be too much to take the laptop. That's just not right. Taking the Ipod is pushing it. But, that seems a bit too light. I don't know, maybe a coloring book...I do have several. Whatever, it'll all come together tomorrow, when I pack.
Lately, mom's been pushing this idea of being an opera singer on me. As in, me majoring in performing music and theater. I mean, it's not entirely out the question or the realm of possibilities, but I'm just concerned about getting a job. Not too much of a solid career base. It seems like I should be doing something in the sciences like chemistry or biology. Everyone tells me I should be a doctor--but, my mom, the one person who truly knows me. She's been telling me this for years. So, I'm finally looking into it. Got a few books at the library. We'll see where it will lead me.

After a year of getting into yoga, I'm through with it. Yeah, well...more so b/c my mom brought it up that I should quit. B/c of the spirituality and mysticism involved. I really can't deny that. It has a big mind/body/spirit theme. I never really did the meditation. I hated the whole idea of clearing your mind and letting go of all your thoughts, well b/c it's like leaving your mind open for a spiritual attack. I'm not sure if I could reason this to anyone else but it's clear to me. The first night my mom told me, I was pretty pissed, but I expected that one day, my mom would tell me to quit. It wasn't a big surprise when she brought it up. I was more so conflicted w/ the fact that it was a big core of my workout. I like(d) how it made me strong yet flexible. I also like how I feel after the workout, but that might be a workout itself thing, not just yoga. I thought maybe I could just do the exercises and not practice the spirituality part of it, but it's all tied in. And I really don't want to let Satan get a foothold
Right now, I'm not seeing the benefits of giving it up, especially since that was one of my favorite parts of my workout. And it was great to do. Sure, there's Pilates and I've been doing it longer than yoga, but yoga is way better b/c it flows.
But my mom was telling me how God always wants the best for you and he'll give me something better. That's somewhat hard to see when what I had is gone. (I got rid of all my stuff w/ yoga in it--my workout DVD's, my book (which was very cool and detailed, by the way)).

So, I guess I'm taking a leap of faith with this. I want to become closer w/ Jesus, especially w/ college right around the corner. I don't want to lose my faith or become really confused during these 4 years. But, I do want to be in shape and take care of my body. My mom was telling me that my body is God's temple so I should take care of it and watch what I put in.

This could all be avoided if I was just naturally thin.

Long time no talk to Luke. Make's a person wonder, "Did the girl really have feelings for him, or was she just holding on to something not there?" I don't know. I'm not sure I even miss Luke. Okay, I do, but not like it'll kill me if I don't see him again. It's funny. I feel like he's someone I left behind in High School. And that's partly true b/c he was a Junior. And I a senior. I was talking to Kid about Luke and how she thinks he's so hot. It's funny but I don't feel that way about Luke. Yeah, he's good looking, but it's as if I never noticed. I think it's b/c he was more like a brother. And I think a lot of that is b/c I wasn't like most of the girls in high school, not superfluous or ditzy. We had a lot of deep talks.

I so better find a college version of Lukas.

Last week, I failed my driver's license test. I was too much of a weenie to post and admit it, until I got it. Today. Yes. But not w/o some serious prayer and mercy. The first time I failed, I failed the maneuverability and got 100% on the road test. I was pised b/c I wanted to get it b4 I graduated but not. Last week was just really bad. Anyway, I got it today but I most definitely should have failed. I know it. Had it not been for Jesus and the fact that the lady who was grading me coached me through the whole thing. That was a blessing. It hasn't quite sunken in yet, but I'm so glad that I never have to go back. The instructor was really merciful. Nothing but the grace of God--yo!

Anyway, I didn't write about graduationl. One would think that was important. Well, in a nutshell, it was short, sweet and fun. The validictorian and saluditorian speeches were, at best, lacking. The excution of the speeches was incredible. Both #1 and #2 are friends of mine but I didn't think what they said classified as a graduation speech. They didn't offer any wisdom or any advice for the next few years. No "divine" knowledge or anything like that. If anything, it was an extended thank you note. But, honestly, I didn't care that much b/c half of it I didn't even listen to. In fact, I "missed" half of graduation b/c I was too busy goofing off and having fun w/ the friends around me. That is how a graduation should be.
I went to 4 graduation parties and ate so much. (Gross side note: eating too much cake iceing turns your poop an ungodly shade of green). It was a lot of fun. But I didn't get to Danielle's party, which was a little pathetic since we've been friends since 6th grade.

Went to see the movie Poseidon w/ Danielle. Good movie but at the same time predictable. We we're calling out one by one who would be the next to die. 3/4 for me. Not a bad score.
Laura and I went out late Tuesday night to get smoothies/ice cream. We went three places b/c one shope was closed, and Breuster's didn't have anything that pleased me. Laura also wants to see Poseidon so I guess I'm going to have to fake like I didn't see it.

On Wednesday, I spent the evening w/ Kid and her family. It was her birthday and she turned 15. Oh, and get this: she'll be a junior. Now you know why I call her Kid.

So that was this week. I made so much money. And I'm looking to get a job @ Old Navy. So we'll see where that goes.

Taking the driver's exam to get my license, today. At 11:15. It's a bit rainy. Hopefully it doesn't pick up too much. I figured it was time to go get it, since I didn't want to graduate HS without it. Oh yeah. Graduation's tonight, too.

It's so weird. I thought yesterday was bad, but today takes the cake. My mother erupted on me. We were coming from the church parking lot. I brought up the subject of my graduation party. I told her that I didn't like how everything was: the date, the arrangement, etc. Barely anyone I envited could come because everyone elses grad party was scheduled for that day. Then, she says I could only invite 5 or so people when it seemed at the time that it was only going to be for the family. (It seemed that this was more of a family occasion when I just wanted my friends). Also, it didn't make sense to me to invite only a few people when everyone invites all their friends, not just a few people. There's other stuff but the point is this conversation alone set my mother off...like a ticking time bomb that finally went off. On me.
The car ride back home was insufferable. When my mother goes off, she plays judge, jury and exucutioner. This means that there is no hope to explain onesself. Basically, she called me ungrateful and such. She said that whatever she and my dad do isn't enough. Nothing can ever please me. My mom then went on to reference my first Christmas where I could talk and how I said I was dissastified because I didn't get exactly what I wanted and that the pattern continued till this Christmas where I was dissappointed that I didn't get the digital camera I wanted. (On a side note: I can't deny this point. Last December, I got upset because I had asked for a digital camera, specifically mentioning the one I wanted and the fact that it was on sale. A Canon Elf. He got me a Sony that had a really small screen, which at the time, I hated. I liked the Canon better b/c I had checked it out and I liked it. I got upset because I had specifically asked for that and I got something else.) Which my main gripe and the whole point of my mother's argument is this: I ask for something, specifically, and but I get something else. But because I got something I didn't ask for, I don't feel really care about it. That is my mother's point, that I should be grateful for whatever I get. I get mad though because I don't understand why they get me stuff that I don't ask for when I make it really clear what I want. This whole mentality set my mother off.
That's pretty much the core of it, that I'm not grateful for anything. Going back to the grad. party: She pretty much canceled it because of how I felt about it. You see, my great uncle died yesterday of leukemia. But they made the funeral the same day of my party--which kind of made me angry simply because I sent out the announcements way in advance. I didn't understand why they had to make the funeral the same day as my party. But honestly, I don't understand why my mom made it that day. I was all for it being a little while after graduation, as not to overload everyone. There are so many parties on that day and I didn't want to contribute to the chaos. But, my mom went and made it that day, anyway. I even explained why I didn't want this date to her and she still went for it, anyway. Because I voiced all my grievances about the party, she up and decides to cancel it. At first, I wanted to cancel it because a lot of my friends couldn't make it but then when she suggested it, I knew it reeked with the stench of defeat, symbolizing that just complaining and then canceling would amount to nothing. I knew when she suggested it, I was done for. I then realized that I couldn't cancel because that would mean she would win...if one could call this a game. (Power struggle?)

Then, it got worse.

She commented on my attitude, how I said I disliked literally eveything, how I complained about school, teachers, choir and the members of it. She said, "The problem isn't them. It's you." Can't really argue on that one. My outlook on life and stuff in general would most likely be less bleak if I wasn't so anti and was a bit more optimistic. Still, the problems that I had in some of my classed, in school and in choir was never 100% me. Well, maybe--definitely choir but school? Hardly. (Try having a half-assed teacher the first semester of the year, when senior grade count, in precalc that screws you over everytime you try to ask for help to bring up your grade. That's tough not to complain about. Especially since his reputation had been made at screwing other people up.)
The radio was on. She turned it down to make sure that her venting was heard. She then told me how she was taking with my dad (actually my stepdad but my parents have been married since I was 10 so he definitely qualifies as my dad) about how I was: "She a good kid but it seems whatever we do, ever satisfies her". My mom said my father said that. Now the saying goes that you should believe 1/2 of what you see and none of what you hear but I can reason that something along that meaning was mentioned.
At this point in the conversation, most of what she said was called for. I won't lie. I'm nowhere near as grateful as what I should be since if it wasn't for my mother marrying my dad, we would have been really poor and going nowhere fast in a small apartment. (My mother's words. I hate when she says that. Not because it's untrue, but because she places our deliverance entirely on dad when she says that. It seems like she is so dependent on him. Maybe she is. And as a future reference, it's one thing to remember where you came from and be grateful for where you are now, but it's another to be dependent on the things that got you out). I think I needed to hear most of what my mother said to me about being ungrateful. Because if you never hear what you're problem are, how will you pray to change them. But here's the point where my mom overstepped the line of showing one one's faults: She goes on to talk about how I'm the kind of person that would go back to my dad (my biological father) and ask him for help. "He walked out on us. He didn't even want us and wished that you were never born". -----------. First off, I never even think about my real dad. He has made no distinct impression on me since I don't even know him. I've seen pictures of him and how much I look like him but that's it. I don't even come to say that I know him. She crossed the line when she said I'd go back to him, someone I don't even know. And about him not wanting us...well, I can't reason that. My mom and biological father were never married and to make it worse, were of two different religions. It's not like it was going to work out anyway. So what happened probably hurt my mom tremendously but at the same time, what can you do? (And in some way, if I knew my father and thought about him, it might hurt me. But, I can't say that I feel that pain. It's like mourning someone you don't even miss).

More words from my mom were said. She said that I was a freeloader. That nothing was mine and that I didn't have a job. (This BTW, is so ironic since for years and again today I would ask to go get a job, yet she wouldn't let me. She then basically says, but how would we drive you there? It's a no way out situation. Damned if I do, damned if I don't). She referenced the time when I bought a hat when I went to New York and gave it to her because I didn't but anything else and I had to say I got her something. I took it to school one day and lost it. She brought that up. It was totally wrong to take something that I'd given her, that she liked a lot and then to take it back and lose it. (Honestly, I could probably never tell her this but it was a mistake to give it to her, since I had gotten attached to it myself). And then on Monday, when she made some fish but I ate it instead of making the uncooked one like she said to do. That I've no excuse for, especially when she brought up the fact that I didn't even apologize. :( Somehow that fitted into her venting about how bad and evil I am, but I forget how. It was relevent, though. But, I've made my point. When I got home, I just wanted to walk out the door and go away. Talk a nice, LONG, walk around the block. Instead, I just stared at our front door longingly.
I've never felt more stuck between a rock and a hard place: my mother and the feeling of knowing I couldn't get away, that I couldn't defend or explain myself against her accusations. When we got home, she officially canceled the party. I tried to get a word out edgewise but I couldn't. I hate that. When parents have so much power, they won't let you do anything to stick up for yourself. When parents become bullies...I basically went to my room, got on my knees and cried. I basically prayed to God to forgive me off all the sins that my mother brought up against me. I've never felt so

trapped.

I can't excuse myself for all the things that I did, especially when most of the stuff she said she's right about.
On a lighter note, I wasn't too surprised about something like this happening. Whenever my mom and I stay home for long, extended periods of time, time a day together, something always comes out. If not now then later and if not this then that. The list could go on how I've fallen short of the glory of my mother: I don't listen to her, I'm not obedient, I'm a disappointment...I swear, my mom's got a plethora of grievances to list. She's probably working on her 95 thesis now. Today's rant of how I'm ungrateful was just the soup of the day. I think half the time when we're both on vacation she spends upset or angry at me.
But, I think today's article of the thesis I needed to hear so I could work on it.
Dear Lord
Grant my the spirit of gratefulness and thankfulness, for the sake of me and my mother not going for my juggular.